The Rainbow


Onts a time (as my 2 year old would say), for as far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I’ve imagined what it might feel like to carry a baby inside me, what I would look like pregnant, and what a miracle it would be to bring a life into this world. I remember taking notice of every pregnant woman I saw and smiling at how beautiful they were and wondering how I would look. (I’m talking past tense since we are talking about my thoughts in the past. Don’t worry, I still smile at pregnant women…and thank the lord some other amazing woman put her body through all of that for me!)

Would my children and I be close? Would they be kind, generous, loving – all the things I hoped to pass along? Would my children want to have heart-to-hearts? Would they look like me? These are all questions I’d asked myself. And yes, I keep saying children because I always imagined having at least a few (with my gorgeous, successful husband in my big house on a farm, somewhere over the rainbow! Hey, this was MY dream!).

Being a mother is something I know I was put on this earth to be. I knew motherhood was so much bigger than me that I almost couldn’t grasp what it would be like. I knew I had so much love to give and above all else, I always believed, that somewhere over the rainbow, I would have this experience. I wanted to be needed and to feel that intense, strong mutual love. I wanted children to carry on my legacy.

Did you always know that you wanted to be a parent? What does it mean to you? And how do you even know you can handle it?

Come back on March 1st for “Lions & Tigers & Bears!” Oh my.

{ 18 comments… add one }
  • Geno February 15, 2014,

    What a wonderful idea…I’m so proud of you. This is something new I have learned about you, and am excited to read more in the future!! 🙂

    • Rebecca Gruenspan February 16, 2014,

      Thanks so much, Geno! I look forward to sharing.

  • Stefani February 16, 2014,

    Love this post! To answer your questions…
    Yep – I surely did always know I wanted to be a parent! I have always loved and been really good with children. I’m the one at the parties hanging out with the kids while all the adults are drinkin’ and partying it up. But then, life takes its unexpected turns…and you end up being with the wrong person and thanking G-d that you didn’t have a child with that person. Then, life takes even more unexpected turns and you find yourself in unhealthy relationships that aren’t turning into anything. Then, you keep getting older, of course. Then, your finances take a turn, and that doesn’t help with the thought of having a child (whether birthing one or adopting) because you think, “how could I ever afford to care for a child properly and give him/her exactly what I had so that he/she never has to suffer in any way?” And of course, you’re also thinking, “how could I do that when I can barely make my own ends meet?” Then you start thinking about all those people who make even less money and seem to not have their own sh*t together, yet somehow they are raising a child (or children!). Then, to make matters worse/harder, you see and hear all the awful things going on in this world – in schools, in malls, in the streets…and then you think, “how could I bring a child into this crazy world?” Soooo…ahhhh…even though I’m not a parent [yet] (well, a parent to humans – I’m definitely a parent to dogs), I did always know that I wanted to be one, I KNOW I can/could handle it because when it’s your child, you just make it work – and you do everything you can to give your child the best life he/she could possibly have. And if you think you’re not ready or you don’t know when you’ll be ready…well, you’re ready whenever that bundle of goodness lands in your arms. That’s when you’re ready – whether you know it or not, whether you believe it or not…you are! 🙂
    {PS – As I said, I’m a doggie parent, and I even stressed about not being ready for a dog, even though I purposely went to the shelter to adopt one. I freaked out and thought, “can I really do this, can I handle it, what if I do it all wrong??” But then, you take that little cutie pie home and you just learn along the way…and it’s an amazing feeling and experience that I couldn’t believe I waited so long to have!}

    • Rebecca Gruenspan February 16, 2014,

      Stefani, thanks so much for sharing. I can certainly relate to almost everything you said…except the part about being a parent to dogs. I had a dream and somehow it filled me to the point that I knew if I didn’t reach it, I’d have regrets. I don’t ever want to live with regrets, so I just put caution to the wind and went for it. And I’ve never looked back or even questioned my decision for a second. That said, I have always had a great support system in place who helped me in many ways. There are ways to get creative financially if you are willing to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable. That part is difficult for a lot of people, but can pay dividends. If you will it…

  • Leslie February 18, 2014,

    Beautifully said, Becca, I always felt the same way. I felt a deep longing to be a mother. I think biology plays a bigger role than we give it credit for.

    • Rebecca Gruenspan February 18, 2014,

      Thank you, Leslie. Absolutely. I wish, as young women, we were better educated about just how much age is a factor! Unfortunately, women just don’t “get it” until it presents a problem.

  • Leah February 20, 2014,

    Lovely post Becca! I haven’t given to much thought to it in the past, but time passes by so fast and the feeling is definitely creeping up on me 🙂

    • Rebecca Gruenspan February 20, 2014,

      Thanks, Leah. Unfortunately as women, time is not always on our side. Although having my first child in my 40’s has brought be more energy and youthfulness than I knew I still had!

  • Anna February 20, 2014,

    I love reading this because it is in stark contrast to how I’ve (almost) always felt about being a parent. I saw pregnant women and thought “geez that would be rough” or I saw crying children and thought “oh my god, how would I deal with them?”

    For years I thought I wanted kids, but was open to the idea of not having them. Something shifted in the last year or two. I smile at pregnant women, play with kids whenever I can and am very excited to start a family (whether adoption or otherwise). I’m still scared, but enough people seem to be able to do it so I’m sure I’ll be fine 🙂

    • Rebecca Gruenspan February 20, 2014,

      Anna, thanks so much for commenting. I’m left wondering what you think caused the shift. Was it a deep self reflection of your life, a specific moment? It’s a rhetorical question, I guess, unless you feel like sharing here or with me personally. Parenthood is scary…I’m sure for anyone, whether you are single or have a partner. But, it’s also the most rewarding, amazing role you could ever play in your life! I hope you get to experience the joys (and hardships) of parenthood by whatever path leads you there.

    • Megan February 20, 2014,

      That’s so funny Anna, because I’ve been the same way! I’ve always told people that when I start really liking kids, maybe I’ll have one of my own (my husband’s a teacher, so he already has 20 or so in his classroom to call his 🙂 Buuutt, recently I’ve noticed that babies have gotten A LOT cuter than they used to be (they were always cute) and even toddlers (not always so cute) have too. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but that’s a big scary change. I honestly still don’t know if I can handle it, but my heart is kind of doing work of its own on that. I’m sure I’ll never be totally ready, but I’m getting closer to it. So funny how that works. To answer your question, Rebecca, for me, I think it was just a mixture of little moments you don’t really notice until it smacks you (lovingly) right in the face 🙂

      • Rebecca Gruenspan February 20, 2014,

        Megan, at least you acknowledging these feelings. Ya never know and those little buggers have a way of stealing your heart if you let them! 🙂

  • Doug Pichers February 20, 2014,

    I’m a Dad to two year old. It’s a magical age. Word and sentences are learnt and remembered at an amazing rate. He is growing up bilingual as my wife first language is Spanish. He corrected my Spanish accent the other day(!). I love being a Dad and as I work from home I see him much more than many working parents. I know I can handle it..I will love him, support him and protect him. Always. Unconditional.

    • Rebecca Gruenspan February 20, 2014,

      Yes, Doug, two year olds are magical! My son is Mexican and I’m trying to incorporate Spanish where I can. I hope we can both take classes to learn together. You are lucky to be able to spend so much time together. Oh, that word “protect,” we sure hope we can protect our children…scary notion, huh?

  • Amy February 20, 2014,

    I always assumed I wanted kids. Babies are cute, and new moms always seem so happy and proud. I’ve never felt a specific draw toward motherhood, but have always thought that my body would grow into it. Once my nephew was born, I realized that this actually isn’t something I want for myself. He is the sweetest little guy and I love spending time with him, but watching the “process” of pregnancy, and now child raising, so closely, it’s just not something that fits into my vision for my life. This could change, of course – as you said, biology is a funny thing! But for now, I’m trying not to put pressure on myself to want the “normal” things like babies.

    • Rebecca Gruenspan February 20, 2014,

      What’s “normal” anyway, Amy? Right? I mean, is a single mom adopting at age 41 “normal?” Probably not to most. But it’s my normal. As long as we stay true to ourselves, that’s the best we can do. Thanks for the comment.

  • Elizabeth @ Rosalilium February 20, 2014,

    What a beautiful post! I have yet to have children but I do feel very maternal like you did. I hope I am lucky enough to have children one day.

    • Rebecca Gruenspan February 20, 2014,

      Thanks, Elizabeth! If you will it… 🙂

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